The Daily Bugle

It looks like the mysterious Nick Fury isn’t a block of ice 24/7! The Director of the secretive government organization, S.H.I.E.L.D., was spotted having some fun in the sun the other day! Does this mean world threats are slowing down? Hopefully!

A small Native American village in the Canadian mountains claimed they were being terrorized by what reports were calling a Wendigo. This is a creature from myth, but the threat of destruction and missing people was very real! Luckily, the people have returned and the attacks have stopped, leaving the people to believe that the Wendigo is now Wendi-Gone! The highly prolific Spec-Ops team “The Wolfpack” has claimed credit for solving the problem, with their leader Justin Milan saying, quote, “Hashtag you’re welcome.”

Whitney Frost, last year’s Best Actress Oscar winner for her Pepper Potts biopic Saving Stark, has gone missing! Last seen on the set of the latest Simon Williams action flick Werewolf by Night, Hollywood’s hottest starlet seems to have disappeared from the spotlight! Even more mysterious is that Williams himself is said to have been mortally wounded on set, and the special effects supervisor Quentin Beck is wanted for questioning! I don’t think I’m alone when I ask, what the hell happened on the set of Werewolf by Night!?

I, Whitney Chang, conclude my investigation in the multi-week hiatus of the popular and controversial role playing game. In this hard-hitting expose uncovering the truth, I found out what D&D truly stands for: Dead and Dusted. Full story available for our Daily Bugle Premium Subscribers!

I know the word ‘mutant’ is a salacious buzz word in this day and age, but the wisecracking self-proclaimed ‘hero’ Spider-Man can stick to walls, spin spider webs, and is unnaturally strong and fast. I don’t give a s*** if it’s controversial, I’m calling it. Spider-Man is a f*****g Mutie! Fight me!

I f*****g hate that tiny little s*** Janet Van Dyne, or “The Wasp”. Of course she names herself after the most annoying insect on the planet. Why is her Tinker Bell @$$ even allowed on the Ultimates? It’s probably because she’s f*****g Hank Pym. Now that’s one giant you-know-what I’d like in my you-know-where. But that skank Wasp gets all the fun. I hate her. Fight me!

So… that mutie terrorist Magneto… his kids are totally f*****g each other, right? Wanda and Pietro? Totally a thing. I mean, I’m not gonna kink shame here… incest is kinda sexy these days. Yeah, I said it! Fight me! Mutie on Mutie action though? Barf! Pass! Go die. F*****g Muties.

Captain America: Kill. 40’s Boy Scout. Boring!

Giant-Man: F***. Giant man = giant you-know-what.

Iron Man: Marry. Stark money, cha-ching!

Hawkeye: Kill. Fury’s lapdog, boring.

Thor: F***. Tall hot blondie, yaaasss.

Black Widow: F***. Russian chick, could be fun.

Wasp: Kill! Kill! Kill! God I hate her. Fight me!

So Reed Richards and his Fantastic f*****g family left like, last month and no one’s seen them since. So called ‘genius’, his dumb @$$ probably got them lost on Saturn. It already looks like some Scottish f****r, a goth chick, and some frat @$$hole took their place in the Baxter Building. That’s what I saw at least. They were hanging out with that Mutie freak Spider-Man though, so f*** them. Fight me!

The return of the old beloved snack Fruit Bars was suddenly cut short due to a lawsuit claiming that the Fruit Bars themselves were actually repackaged from a big box store and sold as individual units, which is strictly prohibited on the labeling. Fruit Bar Incorporated, a Pahiim Products subsidiary, commented on the situation, stating that the lawsuit was baseless and rooted in greed. Nevertheless, Fruit Bar Inc has settled, and must cease all Fruit Bar operations immediately. Shame, I really like the apple flavor.

Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist Tony Stark has gone missing! The CEO of Stark Industries was headed to Afghanistan for a weapons demonstration, however he never returned. Interim CEO Obadiah Stane says they’re doing everything in their power to bring Tony home, but right now the likelihood of that happening is slim to none…

The secretive government agency known as the Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division may have been compromised, in a big way. While no one has agreed to comment, sources in the Rising Tide have seemingly confirmed that S.H.I.E.L.D. has undergone a MASSIVE security breach from a computer virus known as “Ultron”. It’s been said that they’ve even lost complete control of several of their bases around the world. The Rising Tide claims no responsibility for this, but feel they are being targeted as suspects, as one of their members has gone missing in the Nevada desert. Can S.H.I.E.L.D. recover from this? Or is it, are we all, doomed?

Finale The Living Meme, the second most popular social media influencer behind the spasmodic teenager Sparkle, has recently caused a the shutdown of a generational restaurant in New York. Leo’s Sandwich shop has stood for 60 years, passed from grandfather, to father, to son. However, one visit from Finale meant curtains for Leo’s. Everyone knows that places Finale has given a Thumbs Up have seen booms in business, and Two Thumbs Up basically sets them up for life. However, Leo’s received a dreaded “Meh”, which caused an unprecedented smearing across all social media from Finale’s millions of followers. Almost overnight, Leo’s was victim to horrible word of mouth, personal attacks, and even vandalism. Not able to take much more of this, Leo III made the difficult decision to close the doors of his family owned restaurant for good. And all its took was one 3 letter word from Finale.

The superhero influencer known as Sparkle has suddenly vanished from social media. When going to her house for questioning, since she was not shy about posting her address everywhere, all I found was a cold criminal being taken into custody, and no sign of Sparkle. This is especially strange since Finale’s last livestream was mired with spam and accusations, and Finale herself was found dead in the home of Landon Lance. Could Sparkle have eliminated her competition and fled the country? We know she has a destructive side, and witnesses at the mall claimed that she was actually a mutant, hiding “frightening and dangerous” abilities. This whole ordeal has certainly left more questions than answers…

Landon Lance announced days ago that he was entering the running for President of the United States. While enthusiastic Lance supporters helped his campaign quickly grow to staggering numbers, coasting on anti-mutant rhetoric, some leaked evidence against Lance may have called this entire thing into question. Aside from the claims of an illegitimate daughter, as well as his girlfriend Finale and S.H.I.E.L.D. most-wanted criminal Davos found dead in his residence, Lance is now being implicated in the deaths of the Rand family after a black box recording of his voice during their last moments has hit the internet. Lance’s lawyers ensure us this is all fake new, alternative facts, and the campaign will move forward as planned. Lance himself says he could be a convicted criminal, but that won’t stop him from running, as he believes he’s the only one that can make the country great again.

Mutant Growth Hormone, or MGH, has been running rampant on the streets of New York, and despite the best attempts of the stealthy hero The Silencer, it appears that the Rigoletto crime family have redoubled their efforts, especially with rumor circulating of a new Kingpin of Crime moving in for a hostile takeover. I’ve been reporting on the Rigolettos for years. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that when they’re backed into a corner, they retaliate. Hard. I hope Silencer and the Kingpin are ready for a war.

Maxine Danger of the Beyond Corporation held a rather impressive press conference today announcing, get this, official Beyond Corporation Superheroes! There’s Mr. Quiet, who has the ability to ‘steal’ and mimic sounds. Ghost Girl, who can become intangible and ‘sees dead people’. And lastly, The Electrocutioner, who discharges high-voltage electric pulses. The new team is called Beyond Corporation Presents: Arrow (TM) – Just the Shaft. A mouthful to be sure, but Maxine Danger has guaranteed that these are the official superhero of New York, and that criminal’s days are numbered. Now, the similarities to 3 other heroes that have been roaming the city have not gone unnoticed, but Danger insists this is purely a coincidence.

Teenager Peter Parker was bitten by a genetically engineered radioactive spider during a field trip to Oscorp Industries. Parker was taken to the hospital, but after a bout with a fever and some sleep, he appears to be fine. This egregious safety protocol failure is being questioned, with Norman Osborn in the hot seat. Of course Oscorp’s lawyers are giving the usual PR runaround, but when asked if they want to press charges, the boy’s caretakers, his Aunt May and Uncle Ben refused, stating “We don’t want any trouble, and we’re just glad Peter is okay.”

Professor Miles Warren, who barely dodged a sexual harassment conviction on a minor, is now a wanted fugitive for several crimes, including but not limited to illegal human experimentation, assaulting law enforcement, evading arrest, and grooming/pedophilia. My source, The Silencer, claimed Warren was holed up in the basement of Empire State University, after dark. He had cloned Police Captain Stacy’s poor daughter, Gwen, and committed unspeakable tragedies against her. This is after inhumanely incinerating several failed attempts. Warren himself turned out the be a clone. He is still on the loose, be wary of him, or his villainous alter ego: The Jackal.

President Elect Landon Lance has survived yet another assassination attempt. This one carried out by the mysterious villainess “The Steel Serpent”, who claimed to be Lance’s illegitimate daughter. Beyond Corporation’s (TM) premiere superhero team Arrow (TM)- Just the Shaft, was at the scene, but no match for the Serpent. Fortunately (I guess) Spear- Just the Tip was there to keep Lance safe. Though he suffered injuries, he is expected to make a full recovery and be back on his campaign trail in no time. Hooray.